Religious Musings and Frustrations

Ever felt like writing a blog because you're confused/frustrated, but not sure where to begin or how much to write?


Religion is going to start making my life kinda difficult. For a long while. I do admit, though, that it's my own doing. I could decide to not deal with the new crazy juxtaposition of my opposed-to-organized-religion background with the sudden infiltration of Lutheranism. But that would be silly. Easy, but silly.

I enjoy discussing religion. I find it interesting, especially as one who was not permitted to fully take part in it as a child. My dad wanted me to be a clean slate so I could decide to join or not join a religion when I grew up enough to make the decision for myself. I understand and appreciate this effort. I don't know much about any religion, and love learning new things, so talking about any religion is fascinating. I have read a number of books on Native American religions, researched Buddhism, explained Pagan religions to classmates, and learned about Judaism from my roommate (Jewish, although she has been known to nosh on a pepperoni pizza).

But I can't say I always had good experiences when learning about Christianity. Don't get me wrong -- I know many people who are Christians (living in America, and all), and they don't think I'm a creepy heathen who should be saved. They are normal people, and treat me like an equally normal person. My first experience (in high school), though, wasn't so hot:

- First service, okay. Second service, Ash Wednesday, I felt quite out of place. Next, Bible Study, I was told I was wrong and was going to Hell. This didn't go over well, since I didn't really like the idea of Hell, didn't know how I felt about Jesus, and didn't like being shot down without a say in the matter, so I didn't go back to that group. There was discord from then on.

Upon getting to college, I again was told by a friend that I'd go to Hell because I wasn't Baptized. ...Sorry, I'm going to experience Eternal Damnation because I wasn't dunked in water as an infant? No, that didn't work for me, either.

Then I met other people who wanted to talk to me about Jesus, but seemed too sugary-sweet to actually be real.

If you really feel like "saving my soul", don't just tell me I'm wrong.


So, as you can see, I've grown up with not the best views of the most popular religion in America.


And now I'm seriously dating a man who is going to school to be a Lutheran Pastor. This may get interesting.


I love talking with Dan about religion. But now conversations with my parents (Sunday mornings, no less) involves discussion of him, and how is this "religion thing", and why does he want to be a pastor again, and what does he say to you, and and and and. I don't have the language right now to explain anything we talk about, and it doesn't help that I've never been good with on-the-spot debates. It all is very draining, and confusing, and frustrating. I can tell that if any conversion on my part ever happens, my dad might be disappointed in me. Angry at Dan? No. But still, disappointed in me. For joining a group that he feels is closed-minded. And I can't defend it because I don't have the knowledge to yet. I think my immediate family would be more accepting of any religion other than Christian. And not even like I know I would ever convert. I may not. I don't know. I don't want to if I don't think I should. I'm not trying to turn my back on what I've been taught, but I don't want to be closed to what I might learn. I feel like this might turn into a Dad vs. Boyfriend battle, with me as the prize. I want this to be my decision, not their battle. Not that it's actually going to be like that -- I know it wouldn't be -- but that's how I'm going to feel, I think.

After getting off the phone with my parents, I curled up in a heap of pillows, because I decided sleeping was better than thinking.

I may just be getting a little dramatic and ahead of myself. But that's only because I've just started to realize how serious this might get. Still.

I'm a good person. Why isn't that enough? Isn't that the whole point, anyway? Love one another, help others, and don't be mean or stupid? Argh! I have no clue what the hell is happening. My life got so much better, and now I think it's getting hard again. Not that that's bad -- hard is good for growing and learning and changing. But it's still hard. And stressful. Can't I get a break from stress?

And classes start this week, which means any social time is going to be limited again. But it's me working toward a goal, so I can make it.

I am happy. I am. It just amazes me sometimes how much change I allow myself to go through. Life is good... I have to remind myself of that every now and then, but it is.



Thanks for reading the novel. Oh, and I'm always accepting of free advice. :)


Well, enjoy the week, everyone. Stay close to those you love.