Monday, November 27, 2006

I am thankful for... dishwasher.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for many things that are less materialistic. My friends and family. My job. My ability to learn from my surroundings. The fact that I'm not a settler of the Lost Colony of Roanoke.

But my dishwasher is at the top of the list today. And my freshly-made bed is coming in right after that on the list. After cooking for lots of people (well, cooking in preparation for an unknown number though having only 3 of us), I had lots of dishes to do. And the dishwasher is very handy in these situations.

Dinner went beautifully, the turkey was perfectly cooked, tender & not dry, despite my meat thermometer deciding to stop working just as I was about to need it. I cleaned as I went, so there was no disaster at the end of the night. It was nice enough out to take a walk after dinner, so Mary & Julie & I walked around looking at all the newly-built homes and condos (knowing full well that they cost more than I could ever afford, even in my neighborhood). We came back, had some pie, and called it a night. I was able to get the turkey carcass simmering on the stove right before we sat down to eat, so the turkey soup is already started. Mmmm... turkey soup. At any rate, everything went well, and now I'm tired. So I will sleep.

And I won't be getting up to go shopping tomorrow, thank you very much. I don't feel like dealing with crowds this weekend. I don't have my list together yet, anyway. Good luck to those of you braving Black Friday.

A thought that came to me today -- even though it saddens me that early Americans killed & took advantage of the Native Americans, this holiday is about sharing and selflessness. It's not about the sorrow of the wiping out of a culture, or about the celebrating of a people that was strong enough to do the wiping out. I kept reading about people who are hung up on the history of the holiday. And things weren't optimal back then, I'm not saying they were. But I think we might as well take the good of it and celebrate that. It's about being among others. Giving. Helping. Sharing. Enjoying the company of others -- appreciating the people around you that make your life better. I'd rather celebrate what I *do* have anyday of the week.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with much to be thankful for. Life offers many ups and downs, but keeping your mind on what you can be thankful for helps you keep your head up.

Keep your head up, everyone. There's a lot to be thankful for.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

fate vs. free will

Those of you in that were in Alt/Ex Theatre in ... oh, let's say 2001-ish... and we were in class together, you may (or may not) remember my final project. It had to do with the ideas of free will and fate. Which is it? Do we have free will? Can we really lead our lives as we please, with any door open to us? Or are we subjected to fate? We simply roam through lives, completely predetermined, and end up exactly where we were planned to... without realizing we have no choice?

I don't know if I had a stance, or if it was just a presentation to play devil's advocate... knowing me, I sat on the fence between the two. Well, folks... I think I have a stance. Watch out, everyone -- Kate has a firm idea. Better call someone. :)

I'm sure we have free will. We can lead whatever life we want to lead. We may have more than one person that is good for us, it depends on what life path we take. I may have stayed in Minnesota, continued to work for Climb, decided to do free lance acting/costuming work there, and eventually gotten my masters in theatre. Or I may have gone back to Ohio this year after a somewhat disappointing year, and taken a path there. But I'm here in Chicago. Things are playing out well, I want to go to school here, and I found a career that I think I should be in.

Along that thought, we would probably choose one of many possible soul mates. It depends on what life path we finally decide to make.

But do we have a "correct" path that we should take? Am I really on my "correct" path? I realize that I don't think I should be in theatre. I don't want to teach in schools. I really think midwifery is my place. I'm excited about it, and grow more passionate about it every time I learn something new. I think this really is it.

If that is the case, do we have only one "correct" partner? If there is one path for us that we are supposed to find, is there only one partner we should be led to?

And what does that do to free will? I think we have it. We aren't pawns in a vicious game, slaves without thought. But are we given personalities and gifts based on what we are supposed to do, and we are to try to get really close to our optimal predetermined life? Does whoever get the closest win?

So we will be happiest in our designated career or lifestyle, that I'm sure of -- someone who should be a teacher and has the capacity for it is not going to be as happy as an outside salesman, no matter his salary and beautiful car. We are given what we need to succeed in our given lives, as we are supposed to live them. But then, that should mean we will also be happiest with the person we are designated to be with. And our life will lead us to that person if we allow it to happen.

What if you don't get that person? Either because you didn't see your place, or maybe you see it but the other doesn't. So your happiness or another's happiness is based on someone else's choices as well as your own? Then do you just... lose? Too bad for you, you've missed your opportunity, but we can give you honorable mention for trying anyway. Do we get other chances along the way to right the wrong? How many do we get? And if our choice was taken away from us, can we be granted a new one to make?

I like the happy romantic idea of that one person for everyone, like in all those various sappy movies and books and songs and Disney movies. But in past years I didn..t think it was realistic. How in the world does that work? How many people are out there? What are the odds, really, that everyone will get the chance to even *meet* their one person?

But to answer that, I can't imagine that God made us, gave us our lifepaths, our gifts, our dreams, and our partner, and then just sprinkled us around without a plan to it. I think He lets us do as we please, but He has to have some sort of a say in things. He puts the correct people close enough to find each other. You just have to determine who it is.

But how do you know if you are right? How can you possibly know? Even if it seems that someone just dropped into your life in the oddest of ways, as though fate was working right before your eyes, it may just be coincidence. When you have someone in front of you, how do you know if that person is really yours or not? So many people feel that way, then change their minds later. Maybe they chose wrong, or maybe they chose right and then decided to deviate from their given path. How do we know? And how long do we wait for the person we believe is ours?

And who knows -- that person we have may not be meant to be our significant other. They may just be meant to be another important person in our lives. That just throws a whole new wrench into things.

I suppose, even if things went horribly wrong in this life, we can be reunited with our respective lives and soulmates when we reach the next world. But if we didn't follow our lifepath, there is a chance we may not get there to be reunited.

I think I just turned my brain into a pretzel. It's time to get back to Spanish.

Choose well, everyone.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


why must we not love
we could love and while away the years
our years together

I don't know why we won't
but we won't
but we could
I wish we could

I wish I could sort through your mind
go through the files
discard anything that keeps you from me

and yet I couldn't dispose of any part of you
but I want to
but I don't
but I do

you wrested my safety from me to replace it with warmth
when I finally let go
you were gone

I will never stop singing of you
in every step
in every thought
in every tear

I don't know where your love came from
how it grew so strong
so easily

I don't know why it must hide
why do you hide
I can't hide
I just can't hide

but I must hide